Fabreeze!

Imagine if you will my blog as a garment. A garment that's been worn many times, down the park, in Tesco, on the 38 to Angel, etc. And then imagine me taking a metaphorical can of Fabreeze and spraying my garment from the collar down to the scruffy hem and voilà! There you have it. It's the same old blog, the same layout but it smells fresher. Yes the blog is BACK.

And this particular can of Fabreeze is an interview with Fabrizio...see what I've done? Well in actual fact it's an interview with TITANIC actor Danny Nucci.

You’re probably more familiar with 41 year old Danny than you realise , having appeared in ALIVE, CRIMSON TIDE, THE ROCK, ERASER and Oliver Stone’s WORLD TRADE CENTRE. Bizarrely he was also turned down for a lead role in STAND BY ME having made it to the final call backs. But it’s his turn as doomed Italian immigrant Fabrizio in TITANIC that he’ll best be remembered.

I called him up and talked Titanic, James Cameron, Avatar and sounding like Sade! Here's the full unedited phone interview direct from LA...

What have been your biggest projects since Titanic?
I’ve done three or four TV series. One where I was the star called Ten Eight. It only ran half a season but that was great. I starred in a movie recently where I got to play famed mobster Jon Gotti, called The Sinatra Club.

I’ve watched an interview with you on YouTube about the movie. How did it go?
Yeah it was terrific. I got to scream and threaten people for two hours, terrific.

That must have been quite cathartic?
Yeah it was great, I got to be mean and obsessed and get paid for it, terrific.

So how did you originally get the role of Fabrizio?
Well I actually just went in and read for James Cameron. I went to Lightstorm Entertainment, I went upstairs and I went in. There were two scenes. The two scenes were the scene where we win the tickets at the beginning, and then the second scene is the scene that never ended up in the movie which is this long scene where I try to get my Norwegian girlfriend to not depart with her family and come with me. It was cut from the movie. So I got this jubilant scene and then I had this really intense, emotional scene. And I finished my reading and Jimmy was behind the camera. He was actually filming! Usually the director sits down. There’s usually someone filming and the director sits next to the casting director and watches. But in fact he was filming the thing.

Was that intimidating?
No, it was kinda part of the deal. You know I’ve worked with some pretty big directors. So I was kinda used to it. So he pulled the camera away from his eye and he goes..."Oh, you’re an actor."

That must have been a good sign?
It was a great sign. I said thank you politely but inside I wanted to jump up and down.

What training or preparation did you make for the role?
Well a lot actually. Well the first thing I had to do was to learn to speak with an Italian accent and be an immigrant. And then I did a lot of research on what was going on in the world in 1912 and learned stuff about Titanic and the history, so I had that to look forward to and rehearsals and that sort of thing. But you it was about trying to put myself in that time. Which was where most of the work was in the preparation, in the accent and the era.

What was he like as a director? Was he cool?
He’s nuts! Absolutely nuts.

Is he as much of a tyrant as people said he was?
You know it’s funny, I’ve worked with tyrants, who shall remain nameless. The thing I will say about Jimmy is he’s not a tyrant without purpose. He’s very clear on what he wants and you know he’s already got it figured out in his mind so when it doesn’t go his way it’s so frustrating for him. But he’s not mean spirited.

So what about Kate and Leo, what were they like? Do you have any funny stories?
Well Kate I fell in love with, just as friends. But she would humour me and do an American accent all the time. I’d say "Kate please do it" and she would start talking in an American accent. It was just the funniest most charming thing, she’d just into this California girl accent. She’s got such a proper accent English accent, so when she’d go into it, it was one of the funniest things..."Hi Danny how you doin? Well alright man I’m goin’ to make up." That was great. And Leo I’d known for a long time. Leo I met through Tobey Maguire. They were friends for a long time. And I knew Tobey for a while. So when I saw Leo for the first time, it was like "Hey, how you doin bro?" But actually I used to teach an improv class way back when and Tobey and Leo used to come to the class.

Wow, you used to teach them improv?

Yep

Is it true that the first scene they shot was the sketching scene?

I don’t know cos’ I came into it quite late so I’m not sure what was on the call sheet for the beginning of the shoot.

I heard a story that she flashed him just before they were about to start shooting to break the ice.

I wouldn’t put it past her. I’ve been doing this a long time but I’ve never seen anybody work harder than Kate did on that film.

Did you have any scary moments on set, particularly working in the water?
Well let me put it to you this way. We did a scene where the front of the ship goes underneath, goes under the water. So it was on hydraulics. It goes beneath the water in the scene. Now Jimmy’s shooting it from seven different cameras. So he’s sitting at a monitor, with seven different monitors for each camera and there’s a wide shot. One of them is wide. So what happens is the front of the ship goes down and you’ve got two hundred extras, swimming across and looking like it’s chaos...and it was (laughs). You know and I have to cut this rope, it was so intense. No acting necessary. It was really swimming in the water and cutting rope, climbing, trying to avoid people...and then take two, dry everybody off and do it again.

Did you ever reflect on it and think ‘Oh my God, this is genuinely terrifying?’
There’s one scene where I basically had to allow the water to drag me through a..er...little window, and there was a period of time I was gonna be under the water. Simon the stunt coordinator was so careful, he gave me all the directions and just having him be so prudent about precaution made me feel should I worry? God you’re so insistent about so many things, should I worry? But you know through diligence it went great. But it wasn’t like I got to control it, I literally had to let the water drag me through this little hole and go underwater, and they had to come and give me a breathing tube whilst I was under water. You know it can be frightening but they know what they’re doing.

So did you have a favourite scene to film?
Well Leo and I had a lot of fun. One of the scenes, that wasn’t necessarily my favourite but definitely sticks in my memory is ...we did this scene where we’re on the bow...you know the king of the world?

Yes
And the way it was actually filmed is we were on a very tall small piece of the front with a green backdrop and it was really a drag to get us up and down, cos’ it was very time consuming. So in between shots we were up there and the wind was howling. This is February! It was not cold by any stretch of the imagination but it was cold for that time there, and the wind was howling and we hadn’t eaten and we needed the bathroom. We couldn’t just go over the side because the entire set would see us. I mean Leo and I would do the scene and be jubilant and happy about this amazing situation that we were in on this boat and it’s ‘I’m the king of the world’ and ‘there’s the Statue of Liberty’ and the minute they yell cut we would be miserable! We were hungry, we had to go to the bathroom...we looked at each other at one point and just said this is hideous...and then hey be jubilant again... hey, oh my god look at the dolphin! That would be the acting part of it. That’s when we really acted.





Did you ever think the film would be as successful as it became?
No I actually thought it would be as good as it was. But, for lack of a better word, doomed...

As I suppose everybody else did at the time?
Yeah we had people coming down saying when you gonna finish it? What’s going on? Blah blah blaaah. You know, I was like, oh boy!

What was it like when you saw it? Where you completely blown away?
Well when I saw it...I didn’t really see it the first time all I thought was how much I wasn’t in it! That’s all I saw. And Jim sort of warned me. Before I saw the film he sort of warned me. But when you actually see it, it’s devastating. And then the second time I saw it I thought it was great. An amazing piece of filmmaking.

It must have been great because when the special edition came out a few years ago on DVD, it gave people the chance to see those scenes?
Yeah, they got a chance to see some of those scenes which was cool.

What did you think of Avatar?
I loved it. You gotta remember, I’ve got a thirteen year old daughter who was actually born during the making of the boat, of Titanic. I actually had to leave set to go have my child. And I had them calling me going, "umm are you gonna be coming back cos’ we’ve gotta finish the dance scene?" I put it in the contract cos’ I knew I would have to leave, cos’ the due date was in the middle of filming. Getting back to your question, I went to see Avatar with her. And to see it in 3D in one of the big movie houses here in Los Angeles with her, I kinda got to see it through her eyes and it was just terrific that way.

So is there any chance of Jim calling you up to offer you a role in the sequel?
Of Avatar?! You know Jimmy’s great in the sense of if I’m right it’s great, I’m in. But if you look at Avatar, there’s really nothing I could of done in that film.

I don’t know...
Yeah, nothing that wouldn’t have been a force. If there’s something Jim thinks I’m right for he’ll call me.

Is it true you narrowly missed out on a role in Stand By Me?
Yeah I was in the final call backs for that film. They were doing a mix and match, and you know all of the guys who got the role and some of the people who didn’t get the role who were there like Sean Astin and myself. Yeah that’s actually true.

So what’s next for you? What plans have you got?
Well right now I’m actually starting to work on a record.

Really?
Yeah I’ve actually done music for a long long time and because there’s a bit of a lull between now and September. I mean I think I’ll probably go back to work in September, I’ve got a couple of things in the works but for the next two months I’m hoping to finish the record. I’ve just finished eleven songs and I’m starting pre-production on it and you know, go in and knock it out.

What kind of style of music is it?
Somebody said , I mean I can’t describe it, but somebody said that if Sade and Elvis Costello had a bastard child, it would be me.

Wow, that sounds interesting.
Yeah I don’t know how to put that but they said I sound vaguely English. Can’t think why? Bit of an anglophile.

Do you play as well?
Yeah I play guitar and stacks and bass. So yeah I’ll play a lot on the record.

Are you hoping to tour?
Well it depends on how well the record does. I mean if there’s a necessity for it I’ll do it but it would probably be something limited just because I can’t commit to stuff like that cos’ of work.

See the abridged 'WHERE ARE THEY NOW' version in an upcoming issue of Empire.

Prince of Persia

Directed by Mike Newell
Starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Gemma Arterton, Ben Kingsley and Alfred Molina
Released 21.05.10

So Mr Jerry ‘Big Buck producer’ Bruckheimer is back with another blockbuster to whip up a sandstorm of business this summer. Hoping to follow the success of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, Prince of Persia is an epic adventure yarn with daring stunts, exotic locations and oodles of buckles to be swashed.

Based on the classic video game the movie version of Prince of Persia tells the story of Prince Dastan (Jake Gyllenhaal), a once orphaned street urchin now adopted and raised by the King of Persia. When Dastan uncovers the powers of a mystical dagger, capable of controlling the Sands of Time – a gift from the Gods that can reverse time, he reluctantly joins forces with a feisty princess (Gemma Arterton) to prevent it from falling into the wrong hands.

The good news is that this is probably the best film based on a video game in movie history. Bad news is there wasn’t much competition in the first place.

There’s much to enjoy in Mike Newell’s adventure, not least in the casting of Jake Gyllenhaal and Gemma Arterton, who are almost living embodiments of Disney’s animated Aladdin. Gyllenhaal is blessed with Disney drawn eyes that will charm any movie goer, man or woman, in the multiplexes this summer. His charismatic turn as Dastan proving once again he has the gravitas to carry a big blockbuster in much the same way he has with indie flicks such as Donnie Darko.

His goofy charm and boyish heroics play nicely against Gemma Arterton’s Princess Tamina, who is both alluring and fool hardy. Their banter provides most of the fun in the movie and I found myself being swept along as they bicker their way across Persia.

There’s also solid support from Alfred Molina as desert entrepreneur Sheik Amar, who has a penchant for ostrich racing and Ben Kingsley as Dastan’s villainous Uncle Nizam. It all shapes up to be an Indiana Jones sized romp across the desert, but somehow manages to fall just short of the mark.

For a spectacular epic there sure isn’t much spectacle. The gravity defying acrobatics of Dastan and the time reversal powers of the dagger are directly lifted from the game. So it’s a shame that the producers decided to omit the sand zombies and creatures that play such a huge part in the Sands of Time videogame, opting for aerodynamic snake attacks instead.

The movie looks sumptuous and at times very entertaining, but ultimately forgettable. Actually I can’t remember one stand out sequence. It’s almost as if someone went back in time and wiped my memory. Uhhhh where’s that dagger?

Bond babes and me!

What’s this, Bond making an exhibition of himself? Surely not. Well actually several Bond’s were making an exhibition of themselves at the James Bond Fanfest last weekend. Located on the Southbank, The London Film Museum played host to a special event celebrating all things 007. George Lazenby was there to sign autographs and Sir Roger Moore was on hand to accept the Cinema Retro Magazine Lifetime Achievement Award on behalf of his good friend Christopher Lee at a ceremony on Saturday night.

They weren’t the only Bond alumni who were out in force. Ex Bond girls including Britt Ekland (pictured above), Honor Blackman and Maryam d’Arbo lined the signing rooms, along with the larger than life Richard Kiel (aka Jaws) and freerunner Sébastien Foucan (Casino Royale). The event was awash with directors, effects gurus, photographers and über fans that have all helped to establish Bond as one of the biggest franchises in film history.

But it wasn’t all Bond and babes as fans had the opportunity to attend special presentations and Q&A’s from some of the most influential figures in the business. Terry English talked through his career as armourer for movies such as Excalibur and the recent remake of Clash of the Titans, and Brian Johnson discussed his work as special effects supervisor on Alien and his involvement with 2001: A Space Odyssey.

One of the highlights of the weekend was a press conference with the original master of stop motion animation Ray Harryhausen. Assisted by his biographer, Tony Dalton, Harryhausen (who is an astonishing 89 years old) gave an insightful glimpse into his life working on beloved movies such as Jason and the Argonauts and the superior original Clash of the Titans. Guests were also treated to a glimpse of original creature models including a skeleton warrior from Jason and Calibos from Clash.

An extensive collection of Ray Harryhausen’s work will be unveiled on June 29th 2010 at the London Film Museum.

For more info visit http://www.londonfilmmuseum.com/

Erasing David

Starring: David Bond
Directed by: David Bond, Melinda McDougall
Genre: Documentary
Runtime: 1 hour 20 minutes

If you consider yourself to be a paranoid person, than it might be best to stay clear of David Bond’s feature length documentary, or risk inflaming your paranoia to the point of hysteria. Erasing David is a fascinating, and often chilling, exploration into how much personal information is stored in government and corporate databases. But also how easily this information can be misconstrued to the detriment of the individual, or even more frightening, used to hunt you down.

Following the arrival of a letter informing him that his daughter Ivy is among 25 million residents whose details have been lost by the government, David Bond decides to leave his family behind for one month in an attempt to achieve total anonymity. On his tail are two private investigators that will use whatever means to track him down before the end of the thirty days. Bond hopes that by disappearing he will be able to prove the extent of surveillance that is now an unconscious part of everyday life for the average British citizen.

David Bond is a likeable everyman and makes an appealing protagonist to the piece. I only wish that the chase across Britain and Europe, which provides much of the dramatic narrative to the documentary, was as enthralling as some of the discoveries he makes in his investigations. We learn about information collated by Internet providers, victims of faulty criminal databases, surveillance cameras and new measures taken by schools to register pupils by their fingerprints. All of which makes for riveting viewing that is undermined by a rather sorry excuse for a manhunt.

Bourne Supremacy this is not. At times it feels a little condescending (and laughable) watching professional detectives searching through bin bags and glancing at Facebook pictures in order to piece together Bond’s life. It does exemplify the infringement of privacy that we all face on a mundane level, but is contradicted by the melodramatic tone of the chase.

All in all Erasing David does make compelling viewing when you consider the evidence that Bond uncovers. It’s often humorous and terrifying. Just don’t expect much from the hunt.

3/5

Lebanon

Samuel Maoz, Israel / Germany 2009, 93 min.

Hebrew with English subtitles
Screenplay: Samuel MaozCast: Yoav Donat, Itay Tiran, Oshri Cohen, Michael Moshonov, Zohar StraussPhotography: Giora BejachEditor: Arik Lahav-LeibovichMusic: Nicolas BeckerProduction: Metro Communications; Uri Sabag, Einat Bikel, Moshe Edery, Leon Edery, David Silber, Benjamina Mirnik, Illann Girard

Set within the confines of a military tank, Lebanon follows the traumatic experiences of four young soldiers one day during the first Lebanon War. Their inexperience and courage is put to the test when they are commanded to infiltrate a hostile town recently bombarded by the Israeli Air Force. What should be a routine mission quickly dissolves into horror and the four young strangers battle to keep their humanity in the most hellish of circumstances.

The second feature by Israeli director Samuel Maoz is an impressive if emotionally stunted journey about the insanity of war. Drawing on personal experiences, Maoz clearly wants his audience to witness firsthand the spontaneity and disorientation of the battlefront. Sound effects, lighting, and camerawork are deployed with spectacular effect to create a sensory overload that will leave you gasping for air.

The claustrophobia of the tanks interior is brought to life through the production design of Ariel Roshko and proves aesthetically challenging throughout the duration of the film. The tank oozes oil, belches steam and growls with metallic malice, as if it were a beast swallowing up the audience in its wake. The experience is almost a bombardment of the senses, akin to a theme park ride, drawing you into the moment but leaving no lasting impression.

Although the performances are heartfelt, the script offers no new interpretation of the dilemma of being a soldier. Ego’s battle it out whilst macho positioning is promenaded like many a good war film before. The atmosphere within the film is so tense that there is very little time to reflect on what’s really going on internally with the characters.

This isn’t helped by the way we witness the dramas taking place outside the confines of the tank. The crosshairs of the tanks gun sweep across the town, focusing on the faces of victims, blood stained rubble and the confusion of gunfire. These are the moments that should really disturb the audience into a realisation of the consequences of war, but instead comes across as emotionally contrived. It’s almost as if you are watching the cut away scenes from a tasteless video game.

That isn’t to say that the film misses the point entirely. Maoz has succeeded in creating a realistic depiction of life within a tank. You really can feel the heat of the hissing pipes and the vibrations of the engine. But what should be an arresting emotional exploration of the war torn soldier merely becomes an aesthetical trip at the cinema.

3/5

The many merits of Grease 2

'Whoa oh, turn back, Whoa oh, turn back the hands of time. We'll turn back!'
Michelle Pfeiffer and Maxwell Caulfield, Grease 2, 1982.

As the Easter holidays approach, I’m reminded of the films that helped pass away the days off from school. Between watching Return of the Jedi from a base I’d created out of duvets and chairs, to feeling a little sick from the multitude of Easter eggs that I’d scoffed in front of Beetlejuice. Grease 2 has always shared a special place in my heart.

You may be smirking at my admission but I believe this 1982 classic is the ultimate bad movie. What’s not to love? From the dizzying choreography of ‘Score Tonight’ to the show stopping ‘Girl for All Seasons’, this musical delivers. Not to mention it’s the film that introduced the world to the talents of Michelle Pfeiffer. I will even lay my reputation on the line and state that her character, Stephanie Zinone, is the coolest unsung heroine of modern cinema! That smile, that dress sense, that sassy way she demands more ketchup. Don’t believe me, then watch this little clip…



In Grease 2 we find the role of girl wants boy reversed. When Michael Carrington (cousin to Sandy Olsson no less) arrives from England to join the unruly teenagers of Rydell High School, he quickly falls for the head of the Pink Ladies, Stephanie Zinone. Unfortunately nobody but a member of the T-Birds can date a Pink Lady. To make things more difficult for Michael, Stephanie has an image of her perfect man that doesn’t quite match his preppy A-grade persona.



Wow, what a killer song. Anyway, needless to say Michael sets about transforming himself for Stephanie. Not exactly a positive message about being yourself, but I guess deep down we’d all like to be someone’s ‘Cool Rider’.

Grease 2’s pièce de résistance comes in the number ‘Reproduction’. Substitute teacher Mr Stuart attempts to explain the birds and bees to his class but quickly falls foul of the student’s lustful drives. Watch out for the girl with pigtails in this scene, she steals it.




'(Love Will) Turn Back The Hand Of Time' is probably the most honest depiction of love ever committed to screen. Forget Bogart and Bergman, Mitchell and Leigh, or Kate and Leo, this is the real deal...



Ok, so it’s not a perfect movie and regrettably for the majority of people it will never compare to the original Grease. For example, the new T-Birds, led by Jonny Nogerelli, are as cool as John Prescott doing the conga. And I have to skip the song ‘Do It For Our Country’ for fear of losing my lunch down my cardigan. Plus, Maxwell Caulfield has the singing voice of a fourteen year old going through puberty. But these are just minor flaws in an either wise masterpiece of bad cinema.

The likes of Glee and High School Musical should look on in awe at the magnificence of Grease 2. A timeless love story, full to the brim with show stopping numbers and the coolest chick this side of Kate Moss. So to paraphrase Michael Carrington ‘I think it’s kind of terrific’.

Trashed Nash for Clash

No this is isn’t a response to a smutty Sun article about gynaecology. I am in actual fact talking about the Clash of the Titans premiere last night.

I had originally intended to watch Kate Nash filming the Album Chart Show at Koko in Camden but then I learnt Sophie Ellis Bextor and…shudder…Scouting For Girls were also playing. So I decided, guiltily, to ditch Miss Nash for a chance to glimpse the celebrities treading the red carpet in Leceister Square.

I wasn’t disappointed. The gardens in the middle of the square had been fenced off and transformed into a ruined temple with collapsed pillars and cracked steps. Bursts of pyrotechnic flames licked the celebs and lucky punters as they made their way up the steps and along the gangplank into the Empire.

First up was Gemma Arterton, looking rather foxy. She made apologies for not stopping for autographs as she was due on stage at the Garrick Theatre, where she’s currently starring in the Little Dog Laughed.



Nicholas Hoult, Jason Flemyng, Alexa Davalos, Mads Mikkelsen and director Louis Leterrier all scooted into the screening. But most of the excitement was saved for man of the hour Sam Worthington, who plays Perseus in the movie. Apologies for the poor footage but he was too busy listening to his lady friend and the crowd were too busy with their bleedin’ umbrellas. But here y’are…



I have to say, despite the scale of the premiere, the atmosphere was no where near as electric as the Kick Ass premiere the previous week. Though I guess the presence of Brad Pitt kind of elevates any function. I was only there for about five minutes when the bearded one strolled past.



I haven’t had a chance to see either movie yet but my Easter pennies will be well spent at the cinema over the next week.

Bag of goodies

Just like a party bag at the end of an afternoon of musical statues and one too many jammie dodgers, I’ve got a few surprises for you...

First up is the teaser trailer for comic book adaption, Scott pilgrim Vs the World. Due out in August, Michael Cera stars as Scott Pilgrim, bassist for the garage band Sex Bom-omb. When Scott falls for Ramona Flowers, played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead, he quickly learns that love can be tough, really tough. Check out the trailer here...





If you’re half excited as I am about Clash of the Titans you might wanna slip on your sandals and head on over to the official website at http://clash-of-the-titans.warnerbros.com/. There’s the regular mix of trailers and downloads, but most enticing of all is a preview of the full blooded movie soundtrack. Matt Bellamy of Muse fame was due to contribute to the score but has since been replaced by Massive Attack’s Neil Davidge. Check out the track Be My Weapon, it’s not particularly ancient Greece but it’ll make an awesome slo-mo sequence! The movie is out on Friday 2nd April but I sat down Sam Worthington to find out what to expect from the epic blockbuster....ok I'm not really interviewing him but it's a good interview anyway.





If you haven’t seen the promo for Hot Chip’s latest single, it’s a doozy. I really wish this would happen to JLS...





Eeee there’s a lot of videos on here today isn’t there? Anyway that’s all for now, Katie Price is distracting me with her lazy mouth on ITV2.

Have a Heather Locklear Saturday

Wow, look at her go....

What has happened to Tim Burton’s ‘muchness’?

There was a time when a Tim Burton movie wasn’t defined solely by the number of twisted trees strewn about a gothic looking set. He was a unique storyteller with a penchant for the hauntingly peculiar and a talent for creating characters and fantasies left field of mainstream Hollywood.

His films embraced the outsider, and emotionally navigated us to look beyond image and archetypes to reveal the true horrors that we dared not admit. In Edward Scissorhands, the real monster is the paranoia of middle class suburbia and in Beetlejuice, the materialism and excess of ‘yuppy’ culture. Burton created visceral fables that took on the darker side of humanity but with charm and daring.

So it’s with much trepidation that I no longer hold faith in Burton as a storyteller, especially after the lifeless Alice In Wonderland, a reimagining of Lewis Carroll’s fantasy masterpiece. It is such a frustrating and bizarre experience (and not in a good way) that I wanted to scream ‘OFF WITH HIS HEAD’ when the credits rolled.

In Burton’s Wonderland Alice is now nineteen and about to be engaged to a particularly snotty nosed gentlemen. To avoid her rather public proposal she escapes back down the rabbit hole and re-enters the Wonderland she has dreamt about since she was six years old. There Alice battles to reclaim her ‘muchness’, as the Mad Hatter puts it, by becoming the challenger to end the tyrannical rule of the Queen of Hearts.

Critics are citing that the film is visually stunning but potently lacking in narrative flair. I agree with this, but even the visual aspects of the film lack the drama and spontaneity of Burton’s earlier work. Sure there are some moments of Burton’s genius, particularly one scene where a shrunken Alice uses the submerged heads of the Queens victims to cross the castle moat, and the sumptuous garden party scenes that bookend the movie. But it all feels a little generic considering his earlier creations. There are few surprises and an extremely disappointing climatic battle that had me seething at Disney for allowing another bastardisation of a literary classic. I still haven’t forgiven them for The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe.

With such acting pedigree as Alan Rickman, Timothy Spall and Stephen Fry bringing life to the 3D characters of Wonderland you are left feeling curious as to what went wrong. It’s only by the saving grace of Matt Lucas as Tweedle Dee/Tweedle Dum and Helena Bonham Carter as the Queen of Hearts (though she’s suspiciously similar to Miranda Richardson’s Queenie in Blackadder II) that the movie doesn’t fall flat on its face. Mia Wasikowska is engaging as Alice but is left with very little to emotionally contend with once she’s entered Wonderland. But surprisingly of all, Jonny Depp’s interpretation of the Mad Hatter is completely wide of the mark. Sporting a look that wouldn’t have been out of place on Madonna’s Sticky and Sweet Tour, his characterisation slips from wide eyed goofball to muttering Highland warrior. I thought the Mad Hatter was plain loony, not William Wallis in disguise!

As a 3D experience it lacks the awe of Avatar’s production values, Wonderland seems fairly insular when compared to the vastness of Pandora. And I doubt you’ll be making repeat visits down this rabbit hole.

I’m such a huge fan of Tim Burton’s work up until Sleepy Hollow that I almost feel guilty writing this review. I just feel that he’s fallen into the same CGI trap as Spielberg and Lucas. I’m hoping that he’ll return to more dynamic storytelling for his next film.

Mothering Sunday

I’m writing this as I take refuge from the fake tan shenanigans of Dancing On Ice. If I have to look at that child snatcher in disguise, Jason whatever his name is, one more time... I will officially gauge out my own eyes and throw them at him.

I’m not a fan as you can tell. Unfortunately my Mum is. And to make matters worse she’s making digs at me during the ad breaks, like, ‘That’s how I like your hair, why don’t you have your hair like him?’ And, ‘I hate those bloody boots of yours.’ Thanks for the style tips Mum. I’ll be sure to have my haircut like a thirteen year old trumpet player and purchase Clarks slip-ons as soon as I get back to London.

Mothers are funny creatures. If you’re like me, you’ll miss your Mum like mad when she’s not there, but as soon as you go home she’ll annoy you to the point of mercy killing. So far this weekend, we’ve had a debate on the merits of seatbelts (Mum refuses to wear one whilst in the back seat), argued over how many grapes I’ve eaten from the fruit bowl (hardly any!), and fallen out over the artistic licence of Gary Lucy wiggling his prop to Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick (I had to leave the room during that routine).

The point is I love my Mum (I bet you didn’t see that one coming). Despite how much I have to bite my tongue to prevent it striking down on her like a fiery cat o’ nine tails, she makes me laugh like nobody else. Not many Mums are good at doing impressions of bald eagles whilst running down a hill. Plus, no one makes roast potatoes quite like her.

Today was great because as I had the opportunity to visit my Nan who I haven’t seen in ages. Visiting her is very much like the opening scenes of Hobbiton in The Fellowship of the Ring. I tower over her like Gandalf does Bilbo and I’m forever bumping my head on her sloped kitchen ceiling.

My Nan is so precious and not just because she looks like the lead singer of Hot Chip albeit bigger glasses and silver hair. She is one of the sweetest people I know. She even managed to get me emotionally involved with the Catherine Cookson adaptation on TV that she's gripped to.

I always imagine her saying goodbye in her sweet little Nan voice, then letting rip like Catherine Tate as soon as the door closes behind us, ‘WHAAAAT A FUUUUCKIN’ LIBERTY!’

So here I am sat in fear in my old room, the muffled whoops from the studio audience of Dancing On Ice, sending shivers up my spine and I contemplate rejoining my Mum on the sofa. That Blur documentary is on later, hopefully Mum will have gone to bed and surrendered her monopoly on the Sky remote. Still can’t complain, she made a bloody good roast this evening. I wonder if there are any grapes left?

MGMT new song!

On Monday I listed ten songs to kick Spring into gear but with the release of MGMT’s new song Flash Delirium, I’m gonna bypass Spring and dive straight into Summer. This is a ‘delirious’ neon wave of sonic surf....it’s just bloody brilliant in less pretentious terms.

The new album Congratulations drops on April 13 but you can download Flash delirium at www.whoismgmt.com

Tron_Legacy

It’s definitely Jeff Bridges season, what with his Oscar win and now this full trailer for Tron Legacy. It’s the sequel to the 1982 Disney hit that tells the story of Kevin Flynn, a gifted programmer who finds himself transported inside a computer mainframe, battling against other programs to prove that his original work was stolen by a colleague three years ago.

There’s loads to get excited about, including Jeff Bridges sporting a digital facelift, serious retro action and some hot chick on a couch with UV tube lighting as a top (actually that’s standard issue in the mainframe). But most exciting of all is that Daft Punk are writing the score , with a possible Tron themed tour to follow.

The original movie was hardly a box office sensation but Disney are obviously confident that this will be a major success. The film is slated for a December release, a typically hectic holiday season, and will also be released in IMAX 3D. Get excited right here....

http://www.program-glitch-esc.net/

Tunes to put a spring in your step

Sitting on a park bench in London, I raise my face and let my tired skin bask in the warmth of the sun. Could it finally be Spring? The birds are singing sweetly in the branches and dew glistens like tiny gems sprinkled over the grass. I have a sudden urge to get up and run like a mad man across the green, arms outspread like a plane. Unfortunately my limbs aren’t playing ball. It takes a lot of effort just to reach up and rub my sore temples in reconciliation for drinking too much last night.

Because I’m so hung-over, it takes some time for me to realise that there is something very small and white hopping and bounding up the path towards me. I blink several times, desperately trying to lubricate my dry eyes. I squeeze them shut and rub them hard for a few seconds.

My eyelids flash open and focus in a white rabbit with large worrisome eyes, lilywhite fur and a herringbone waistcoat with gold buttons. Strangest of all the rabbit is muttering to himself and staring intently at an iPod adorned with hearts.

‘I’m terribly, terribly late! Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. The Queen will be most displeased with me...’

The poor thing suddenly realises I’m sat there, watching on in total disbelief (I’m never drinking Vermouth again). He lets out a high pitched squeal, drops the iPod and disappears down a hole hidden at the bottom of a large tree.

‘Silly rabbit,' I mutter as I reach over to pick up the iPod and earphones. My stomach lurches and I topple back onto the wooden bench. The screen on the iPod lights up and I place the earphones in my ears (I hope I don’t get ticks). I close my eyes, taking in the glory of the Spring sun and listen on...

Alice’s Theme by Danny Elfman
Danny Elfman is responsible for some of the most beautiful and haunting scores in Hollywood having written music for Edward Scissorhands, Beetlejuice and Batman. This track from the new Alice In Wonderland movie is a return to form for the long time Tim Burton collaborator, having produced rather half hearted scores in recent years. A stirring mix of female choral harmonies, whirlwind strings and bold brass beckons the listener to ask the question ‘Alice dear, where have you been?’

The Walking Dead by Weird Tapes
Nowhere near as gothic as the title suggests, The Walking Dead is a sprightly electro track in a similar vein to Crystal Castles. Perfect for strutting along garden paths or sipping on lemonade whilst watching Skins on Channel 4 OD. Listen at http://www.last.fm/music/Weird+Tapes/_/12+The+Walking+Dead

Frost Satellite by Radiant Dragon
Just what the doctor ordered. I would heartily recommend listening to this track whilst collapsing in a field full of hay and watching the clouds roll by. Oh, you live in the city? Ok, try spread eagling on your bed instead whilst soaking up the dreamy vocals of London based Ming Long. Follow him at http://radiantdragon.blogspot.com/

Postcards From Italy by Florence and the Machine
Never heard of this artist. Don’t think she’ll amount to much. It’s the B side to her 2008 single, Kiss With A Fist and it’s a cover. Anyway give this rare track a listen to...but only out of moral support mind. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2p5l6tRzpD8

Rocket (Richard X One Zero Remix) by Goldfrapp
Richard X bloody loves the eighties, so it’s no wonder he’s remixed the nostalgic sounds of Goldfrapp’s new single Rocket. The new album Head First is out on March 22nd but you can download this remix for free at www.amazon.co.uk/Rocket-Richard-One-Zero-Remix.

One by Yeasayer
The sonic and hipper cousin to Paul Simon’s 1986 hit ‘You Can Call Me Al’, Yeasayer have delivered the first party track of the season. Makes me want to get Chevy Chase round to blow on my trumpet....um scrap that last line. Watch the classic Paul Simon music video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULjCSK0oOlI

Cranberry by The Ruby Suns
The Ruby Suns are a New Zealand group that toured with The Shins throughout Australia in 2007 (there’s an interesting fact to drop at the dinner table this evening). This psychedelic slice of indie pop sits well with the current wave of MGMT sounding bands. Listen at http://www.myspace.com/therubysuns

No Hassle by Robyn and Diplo
The Swedish songstress with the most...ess(!) has collaborated with dub step guru Diplo and has given us No Hassle, a swaggering street wise pop gem. Download at http://kickinthepeanuts.com/?p=7135

Tightrope (ft Big Boi) by Janelle Monae
If you’re missing the heady funk of Outkast then this is the perfect song for you. 25 year old Janelle has the star power of Beyonce and the dance moves of James Brown. This will have you dancing like Tina after downing a pitcher of Red Bull. Check her out at http://www.jmonae.com/

Hereafter

I always thought it would be better, to be a fake somebody... than a real nobody.
Tom Ripley, The Talented Mr Ripley, 2000.

I saw Clint Eastwood talking to a pigeon today.

That’s a hard line to follow or to justify, but it’s the truth. I saw the 79 year old Hollywood icon lean over and beckon seductively to a little grey pigeon and whisper in his gravelly voice, ‘Hey little bird.’ And to top it off Matt Damon is standing next to him staring adoringly at the scenario.

What the f.....!

This is probably the most surreal moment of my time so far in London, but it isn’t the only strange thing to happen to me this crisp Saturday on Liverpool Street. The day has been filled with unusual experiences and eccentric conversations on the set of Eastwood’s new movie, Hereafter. I sat on the coach to location with Tony from Skins (well his double anyway) who can blow bubbles from his mouth without the aid of swallowing Fairy liquid, befriended a biker with a broken knee who also has his own drag act and has had cosmetic surgery for channel four, talked about anti gravity, the Freemasons, government conspiracies and interstellar maps whilst filming a scene with Matt Damon and been approached by a well dressed inventor who ‘knows my face from somewhere.’ Ricky Gervais would have a field day with this material.

Working as an extra on a Hollywood movie, you meet a diverse and bizarre mix of characters with their own stories to tell and perform. And characters they are. It’s sometimes hard to tell what is fiction and what isn’t, in front of and behind the camera.

I wouldn’t normally consider a 79 year old talking to a bird to be strange...but it’s Clint Eastwood! A celluloid deity worshipped and adored by millions across the globe acting like a regular human being.

I won’t get into theories of celebrity worship but it’s fascinating to watch a Hollywood actor behaving more normally than the supposedly regular people playing the background roles.

I, on the other hand, played it cool all day. I listened and acted professionally when directed by the 2nd Assistant Director and even managed to contain my toothy grin when Matt Damon acknowledged me. But then Kathleen Kennedy showed up and ate a Panini in front of me...

For those who are unaware who Kathleen Kennedy is she’s the equivalent to God or Cleopatra (the Egyptian Queen not the nineties pop band) in Hollywood. She’s produced almost all of Steven Spielberg’s work and been responsible for some of the biggest and most cherished movies of the past 28 years (she was executive producer on The Goonies for Christ sakes!). Just check out her IMDB profile for evidence of her influence and Hollywood accolades.

I really felt quiet emotional standing just a few feet away from her as she sat at her seat, a sundried tomato hanging from her lips. I had a sudden urge to tell her how her movies had changed my life. How I had gone to the cinema ten times to watch Jurassic Park as a child, or how I’d decided to become a meteorologist at thirteen thanks to Twister or been moved to tears, in front of my eighteen year old mates, at A.I. Artificial Intelligence. But how do you articulate your admiration without looking like an utter weirdo or obsessed geek? I couldn’t frankly, because that’s what I am, a worshipping film fanatic in a surreal wonderland of cameras and lights. Instead I continued to gaze with unrequited admiration and let her finish her snack and mosey on over to Clint.

As filming wrapped for the day and I made my way back to the coach, a frenzy erupted as fans descended in a desperate attempt to see their icons. I caught a glimpse of the paraphernalia they had brought with them to get signed and couldn’t help but marvel at the perverse devotion we have as a society for movies and film celebrities. As I watched a mother thrust a picture of Clint Eastwood in The Good, the Bad and the Ugly towards security, I was thankful that I’d had the chance to glimpse a little of the man behind the movies. The real somebody.

AWOOoOoOooooOOo

I’ve been looking forward to The Wolfman for an age! Originally scheduled for a November 2008 release the movie will finally hit screens on February 12th. Starring Benicio Del Toro, Anthony Hopkins and Emily Blunt, the film is a remake of the 1941 classic horror of the same name.

The trailer hit last August and I was excited to see glimpses of a movie that looks stylistically similar to one of my favourite films of all time, Francis Ford Coppola’s Dracula (1992). Full of opulent houses, murderous shadows cast by candlelight and Victorian melodrama, director Joe Johnston has chosen gothic romp over a complete re-imagining of the Wolfman myth. This excites me for two reasons...1) I love a gothic romp any day of the week (just ask any of my friends) and 2) Just hearing Anthony Hopkins snarling his dialogue at Benicio Del Toro is enough to give the premise artistic gravitas....ok and thirdly or 3) Danny Elfman, one of my cinematic heroes, maybe scoring the movie. I say maybe because there is conflicting information as to whether the music he has written will still be used.

Head on over to http://www.thewolfmanmovie.com/ for all things lycanthropy and a link to a rather cool website dedicated to the classic horror movies of Universal Pictures.

Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch, this won’t be another Van Helsing CGI wank fest, but we’ll have to wait a few more weeks to find out.

I told you, my name's not Susan y'all. And neither's hers...

I’ve left it too late to post anything special on this here blog, so I’m just gonna talk y’all bout my unofficial theme song.

I ran a search for ‘My Name Is Not Susan, It’s Cassius’ today on that google ma wotsit and lordy me, I found this video of Whitney Houston (who sung that cover song of ma mama’s hit ‘I Will Always Love You’) singing bout how her name isn’t Susan. Just like me!

So I thought y’all might like to hear Whitney lolly gagging bout people mistaking her name. I just wanna say it happens to me everyday Whit, don’t get no easier neither. Anyways enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKi5tyUnDIk

PS Blame True Blood for my Louisiana accent on this here post. I can’t stop it for love nor money y’all.

Still got six lives left

17.20
Should have left twenty minutes ago when Rochelle emailed me but continued to faff around the house. Cards..check. Keys...check. Oyster travel card...check. Mobile phone...check. Quick wee...check.

Say bye to Dais and scoot out of the door. Run down to the bus stop to find there are no 55’s running. WANK! Ok, I’ll head straight to Dalston and meet her there instead. Exhibition doesn’t start till half seven so there’s plenty of time for food beforehand. Run to the bus stop on the other side of the road. 236 approaching...via Dalston. Yesssss. Bus doors open, better check with bus driver first.

‘You need the other side mate. I’m only going to Hackney Wick.’

Shit. Shit. Shit. What a tit! Ok need to cross the road. Rochelle is ringing me!

‘Hey, yeah no 55’s...Shall we just meet in Dalston instead?...ok cool...yeah...I know I should of left earlier blah blah blaaah....Roch, I’m such an idiot, I just tried to get on the bus heading in the wrong direction ha ha haaa...I know...’

Step out in the road looking in the wrong direction. Then...
1) Wheel runs over my left foot and left knee hits cold metal.
2) Loud WHACK as side mirror hits my side and sends my mobile flying
3) Body twists and nearly knocks me off my feet

Split second passes and I realise what’s happened. I’m ok. I’m alright.

Taxi driver glares at me through his window and points at my mobile phone still flipped open on his windscreen. I hasten to retrieve it, conscious that my body isn’t hurting and I can still move my toes. I start to walk away when I hear a voice shouting after me.

‘Oi, you can’t just walk off!’

Dazed, I turn and realise it’s the rather irate taxi driver.

‘I know...I’m sorry...I didn’t mea...’

‘You’re an idiot mate. You can’t just damage my taxi then walk off.’

‘I know. I should of..’

‘Who’s gonna pay for this?’

He points to his side mirror pushed in from its regular position, the mirror loose. I walk towards him whilst he continues to voice his disgust.

‘Well, you just have to push it back in.’

The mirror pushes back in easily and slides back to its correct angle to the car.

A few seconds pass and the driver, unable to retaliate to the resolution I’ve just given him, continues to shout abuse at me. I attempt further apologies, as I know it’s my fault.

What a twat. Me I mean, for being so bloody stupid and not the man giving himself a hernia in front of me.

‘Look I’ve apologised sir...if you would just listen to me for a second...you ran over my foot sir!’

It’s not until much later when Rochelle recounts the incident (my phone still connected even after a tumble in the air and a brief joy ride on a taxi windscreen), that I realise that my argument sounded like I was a 1920’s duke defending his honour.

‘That was the politest arguing I’ve ever heard anybody argue ever’, laughs Rochelle.

Anyway, the taxi driver can only hear his own voice and jumps back into the car. This point I’m getting a little angry so I decide to voice my frustration.

‘You haven’t even asked if my foot is okay you....you...knob.’

Pathetic. I skulk away suddenly conscious of the attention I’ve attracted from the bus stop. Thankfully my pride is conserved a little by the man monitoring the buses.

‘Are you okay?’

‘Yeah, I’m fine thankfully. I could have been killed. It was my fault I know.’

‘Don’t tell him that,’ he exclaims clutching his clipboard. ‘He wasn’t looking either.’

I feel a little relieved and sit down on the raised flower bed outside Hackney Town Hall, checking my foot and body haven’t been damaged under the mask of adrenaline pumping through my veins.

I’m good.If this were a cartoon, this would be the point where He-Man and Teela would appear and give the moral of the day. But as such it isn’t, so I’ll just say...’Buggery bollocks. That was close.’

OMG FYI LMAO!

Oh my God, Oh my God you guys! Legally Blonde the Musical was like totally fantastic, easily the best thing I’ve seen at the theatre for ages. It’s energetic and camper than an evening spent watching Ugly Betty with Perez Hilton.

Sheridan Smith is intoxicating as Elle Woods, originally made famous by Reese Witherspoon in the 2001 movie, and rightly deserved the standing ovation she received at the end. She holds the audience captivated through a two hour tour-de-force of outrageously catchy songs and witty dialogue. The audience couldn’t help but whoop during There! Right there!, with the lyrics ‘Is he gay? Or European?’, or guffaw at the ridiculous Bend and Snap (which fans of the film will delight in).

The production doesn’t rely on outlandish staging or cheap parlour tricks to entertain. The cast and chorus have so much talent and energy it feels like you’re watching the theatre equivalent to Red Bull.

If all this sounds a little too girly or annoying, you’d be wrong. The pace and ingenuity of the material will delight a huge demographic. This is blockbuster theatre and will surely make Sheridan Smith a huge star.

Head on over to www.legallyblondethemusical.co.uk/ for a closer look.

The show is currently booking until October 2010 at Savoy Theatre, Savoy Court, London WC2R 0ET

James Cameron's globes!

Congratulations are in order for ol’ Jim lad Cameron for winning Best Motion Picture – Drama for Avatar at this year’s Golden Globes. The awards, which took place yesterday in LA, also saw Cameron take home the Globe for Best Director.

I’m not sure how I feel about Avatar winning Best Drama. Don’t get me wrong, it is a beautifully realised adventure film but it didn’t really have the emotional punch that I was hoping for. Having seen it on IMAX 3D, I was gobsmacked by the grandeur and scale of Cameron’s production but it wasn’t anchored by an engaging enough narrative. I can understand that with all the technical spectacle on offer James Cameron probably felt it best to use a classic narrative structure, not unlike the monomyth simplicity of Star Wars, but for all the 3D melodrama I was left slightly cold by the time the credits rolled. Anyhow, I’ll be seeing it again soon so hopefully I can forget the hype and let the story win me over.

In reference to the box office success of Avatar, which is hot on the heels of Titanic’s colossal $1.8 billion, film companies have set about ‘3Ding up’ some old favourites in preparation for re-release. I’m particularly excited to hear that The Lord of the Rings will be re-released as a 3D spectacular. WETA DIGITAL are currently running test footage of battle scenes in 3D, so look forward to Orlando Bloom being even more annoying than usual as his bow and arrow are thrust in your face! Other movies mooted for 3D re-releases include Star Wars, The Matrix and that other classic fantasy film, Top Gun (yeaaaaaaaaaaaah).

After recent news that both director Sam Raimi and Tobey Maguire are off Spiderman 4, who is to take over and in what direction will Sony decide to take the franchise? These are serious questions folks that require serious answers. I have heard rumours, mainly thanks to Empire Online, that Robert Pattinson is being sized up for the role of Peter Parker. Surely not! I can just see him pouting as his spidey senses start tingling or frowning as he wrestles with his inner turmoil.

I think the general direction that the studios want to take the franchise is a ‘gritty’ origin story, similar to the Batman reboot, but do we really need another dark take on a comic book hero? I personally felt that the tone of the Spiderman films, particularly the first two, suited the subject matter and more importantly were fun. With so many realistic, almost ‘kitchen sink’, dramatisations of fantasy and comic hero material it’s always good to enjoy real popcorn movies. That was why I loved last year’s Star Trek reboot so much. Good old fashioned adventure with wit and daring do.

Anyway, let me know your thoughts. Post a comment below or on my facebook page.

Off to see Legally Blonde The Musical tonight (ooohhh get me).

CONTRAry to your knowledge...

CONTRAry to your knowledge

Ok I know I promised a post every day, and as penance I will be posting two today (my first will be music orientated which will be followed by a movie post later on this afternoon). In my defence there was a lot of haggis and Scrabble to distract me in Camden last night!

So yesterday, Daisy and I headed over to Somerset House to catch Vampire Weekend perform a free gig in celebration of the release of their new album Contra. The follow up to 2008’s self titled smash, Vampire Weekend have built on their unique sound to deliver a genuine antidote to the extreme cold weather we’ve been having recently. My personal highlights are White Sky, California English and the stormin’ first single Cousins. I have to say I wasn’t particularly into this song when I first heard it but it is KILLER live, definitely the highlight of yesterdays set.

Playing from an opulent balcony in the main square, framed by decadent pillars and the occasional pigeon gatecrasher, the band played tracks from both albums. Unfortunately there were some technical difficulties towards the end, leaving front man Ezra Koenig (isn’t that an actor from Star Trek?) to ad lib some wise cracks whilst ‘techies’ fixed the sound. Luckily all was resolved and the band managed to play ol’ favourite Walcott as a crowd pleasing finale. I think the new songs are going to go down a treat at festivals this summer.

Ahhh I’m so excited and I just can’t hide it, because one of my favourite bands of all time and space are gearing up to release their new album Head First. Goldfrapp have just posted the cover to the album on their blog, which you can catch at www.goldfrapp.com/blog. This is the official press release for the album...

‘Head First’ is Goldfrapp’s most powerful trip to date, a speedy rush of synth optimism, euphoria, fantasy and romance. With life affirming lyrics and stellar production it lifts off at full tilt and takes us on a journey to the heart of 2010.

The album is released through Mute on March 22nd and a tour will follow later on in the year.

All that’s left for me to say is if you still haven’t registered for Glasto and are thinking of going, make your way over to www.glastonburyregistration.co.uk/ as a ticket resale should be taking place very soon.

And finally, here is a short playlist of tunes that I think will kick start your weekend, which doesn’t include any Ellie Goulding or Marina & the Diamonds as I just don’t get them (sozza Radio one)...

Poison Lips – Vitalic
I’m Not Sorry – The Cocknbullkid
Watchadoin’ (Villains Remix) – N.A.S.A. Featuring M.I.A., Santogold and Spankrock
Zero (RAC Remix) – Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Drummer – Boys Noize
Let’s Go Surfing – The Drums
Counterpoint – Delphic
Rhythm of the Night (Digital Mode feat. Marteen) – Corona ; -)



Ciao for now x

PS Don’t forget to follow me if you’re enjoying what you read

In the beginning...

Before the dawn of man there was nothing but stars and dust.
That's right stars and dust....and maybe little bits of meteor shrapnel from God’s morning bowl of muesli.
And on this meteor shrapnel rode a life form not unlike a younger, slightly cheekier looking David Bowie.
His name was Susan, SORRY, Cassius.
Riding the meteor like a Sherbet Dib Dab across the Cosmos, blowing camp kisses at Uranus, he landed on the newly formed Planet Earth. High fiving Buddha and standing proudly on espadrilles made from the tears of Virgo, Cassius exclaimed...

'This Earth will never do. I shall return once there are things called streets, where people will shuffle about shouting bloody murder at over packed buses. Where cinemas will provide shelter for rampaging chavs with sticky underpants. Where bars are full of wanks dressed like Napoleon Dynamite with moustaches stained with houmous, their Dutch bicycles neatly chained up outside with baskets overflowing with chick peas. Yes, I shall return once this has been achieved.'

And with that Cassius flicked his fringe out of his eyes and soared back into the Universe to dream away the next millennia.
So exodus, exodus, exodus, parting of the Dead Sea, Russell Crowe as a Roman general, blah, blah, blah, Victorian ankle blushing, penny farthings, War! (What is it good for?), Britney Spears and Big Brother...and he's back. This time to forge a career amongst the honest, ever so frustrated at the economy but enjoying Friday night, people of the 21st Century.

Yes, hello everybody, welcome to my blog. I've decided to set one up to practice my writing skills and voice my opinion on everything from BBC documentaries to Lady GaGa’s nether regions. From the film scores of Clint Mansell to Davina McCall’s workout DVD’s. Literally, I’m just gonna be whoring out my opinion on pop culture in general. Plus, this shit looks good on a CV!
I’m gonna try and update it everyday...no scrap that. I WILL update this everyday (PMA PMA!) from my icy lair in Hackney. So please leave feedback or suggest things that you might like to read about.
I hope you enjoy it. And if you do, pass on the good word.

Love Susan...SHIT Cassius. Sorry x