Have a Heather Locklear Saturday

Wow, look at her go....

What has happened to Tim Burton’s ‘muchness’?

There was a time when a Tim Burton movie wasn’t defined solely by the number of twisted trees strewn about a gothic looking set. He was a unique storyteller with a penchant for the hauntingly peculiar and a talent for creating characters and fantasies left field of mainstream Hollywood.

His films embraced the outsider, and emotionally navigated us to look beyond image and archetypes to reveal the true horrors that we dared not admit. In Edward Scissorhands, the real monster is the paranoia of middle class suburbia and in Beetlejuice, the materialism and excess of ‘yuppy’ culture. Burton created visceral fables that took on the darker side of humanity but with charm and daring.

So it’s with much trepidation that I no longer hold faith in Burton as a storyteller, especially after the lifeless Alice In Wonderland, a reimagining of Lewis Carroll’s fantasy masterpiece. It is such a frustrating and bizarre experience (and not in a good way) that I wanted to scream ‘OFF WITH HIS HEAD’ when the credits rolled.

In Burton’s Wonderland Alice is now nineteen and about to be engaged to a particularly snotty nosed gentlemen. To avoid her rather public proposal she escapes back down the rabbit hole and re-enters the Wonderland she has dreamt about since she was six years old. There Alice battles to reclaim her ‘muchness’, as the Mad Hatter puts it, by becoming the challenger to end the tyrannical rule of the Queen of Hearts.

Critics are citing that the film is visually stunning but potently lacking in narrative flair. I agree with this, but even the visual aspects of the film lack the drama and spontaneity of Burton’s earlier work. Sure there are some moments of Burton’s genius, particularly one scene where a shrunken Alice uses the submerged heads of the Queens victims to cross the castle moat, and the sumptuous garden party scenes that bookend the movie. But it all feels a little generic considering his earlier creations. There are few surprises and an extremely disappointing climatic battle that had me seething at Disney for allowing another bastardisation of a literary classic. I still haven’t forgiven them for The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe.

With such acting pedigree as Alan Rickman, Timothy Spall and Stephen Fry bringing life to the 3D characters of Wonderland you are left feeling curious as to what went wrong. It’s only by the saving grace of Matt Lucas as Tweedle Dee/Tweedle Dum and Helena Bonham Carter as the Queen of Hearts (though she’s suspiciously similar to Miranda Richardson’s Queenie in Blackadder II) that the movie doesn’t fall flat on its face. Mia Wasikowska is engaging as Alice but is left with very little to emotionally contend with once she’s entered Wonderland. But surprisingly of all, Jonny Depp’s interpretation of the Mad Hatter is completely wide of the mark. Sporting a look that wouldn’t have been out of place on Madonna’s Sticky and Sweet Tour, his characterisation slips from wide eyed goofball to muttering Highland warrior. I thought the Mad Hatter was plain loony, not William Wallis in disguise!

As a 3D experience it lacks the awe of Avatar’s production values, Wonderland seems fairly insular when compared to the vastness of Pandora. And I doubt you’ll be making repeat visits down this rabbit hole.

I’m such a huge fan of Tim Burton’s work up until Sleepy Hollow that I almost feel guilty writing this review. I just feel that he’s fallen into the same CGI trap as Spielberg and Lucas. I’m hoping that he’ll return to more dynamic storytelling for his next film.

Mothering Sunday

I’m writing this as I take refuge from the fake tan shenanigans of Dancing On Ice. If I have to look at that child snatcher in disguise, Jason whatever his name is, one more time... I will officially gauge out my own eyes and throw them at him.

I’m not a fan as you can tell. Unfortunately my Mum is. And to make matters worse she’s making digs at me during the ad breaks, like, ‘That’s how I like your hair, why don’t you have your hair like him?’ And, ‘I hate those bloody boots of yours.’ Thanks for the style tips Mum. I’ll be sure to have my haircut like a thirteen year old trumpet player and purchase Clarks slip-ons as soon as I get back to London.

Mothers are funny creatures. If you’re like me, you’ll miss your Mum like mad when she’s not there, but as soon as you go home she’ll annoy you to the point of mercy killing. So far this weekend, we’ve had a debate on the merits of seatbelts (Mum refuses to wear one whilst in the back seat), argued over how many grapes I’ve eaten from the fruit bowl (hardly any!), and fallen out over the artistic licence of Gary Lucy wiggling his prop to Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick (I had to leave the room during that routine).

The point is I love my Mum (I bet you didn’t see that one coming). Despite how much I have to bite my tongue to prevent it striking down on her like a fiery cat o’ nine tails, she makes me laugh like nobody else. Not many Mums are good at doing impressions of bald eagles whilst running down a hill. Plus, no one makes roast potatoes quite like her.

Today was great because as I had the opportunity to visit my Nan who I haven’t seen in ages. Visiting her is very much like the opening scenes of Hobbiton in The Fellowship of the Ring. I tower over her like Gandalf does Bilbo and I’m forever bumping my head on her sloped kitchen ceiling.

My Nan is so precious and not just because she looks like the lead singer of Hot Chip albeit bigger glasses and silver hair. She is one of the sweetest people I know. She even managed to get me emotionally involved with the Catherine Cookson adaptation on TV that she's gripped to.

I always imagine her saying goodbye in her sweet little Nan voice, then letting rip like Catherine Tate as soon as the door closes behind us, ‘WHAAAAT A FUUUUCKIN’ LIBERTY!’

So here I am sat in fear in my old room, the muffled whoops from the studio audience of Dancing On Ice, sending shivers up my spine and I contemplate rejoining my Mum on the sofa. That Blur documentary is on later, hopefully Mum will have gone to bed and surrendered her monopoly on the Sky remote. Still can’t complain, she made a bloody good roast this evening. I wonder if there are any grapes left?

MGMT new song!

On Monday I listed ten songs to kick Spring into gear but with the release of MGMT’s new song Flash Delirium, I’m gonna bypass Spring and dive straight into Summer. This is a ‘delirious’ neon wave of sonic surf....it’s just bloody brilliant in less pretentious terms.

The new album Congratulations drops on April 13 but you can download Flash delirium at www.whoismgmt.com

Tron_Legacy

It’s definitely Jeff Bridges season, what with his Oscar win and now this full trailer for Tron Legacy. It’s the sequel to the 1982 Disney hit that tells the story of Kevin Flynn, a gifted programmer who finds himself transported inside a computer mainframe, battling against other programs to prove that his original work was stolen by a colleague three years ago.

There’s loads to get excited about, including Jeff Bridges sporting a digital facelift, serious retro action and some hot chick on a couch with UV tube lighting as a top (actually that’s standard issue in the mainframe). But most exciting of all is that Daft Punk are writing the score , with a possible Tron themed tour to follow.

The original movie was hardly a box office sensation but Disney are obviously confident that this will be a major success. The film is slated for a December release, a typically hectic holiday season, and will also be released in IMAX 3D. Get excited right here....

http://www.program-glitch-esc.net/

Tunes to put a spring in your step

Sitting on a park bench in London, I raise my face and let my tired skin bask in the warmth of the sun. Could it finally be Spring? The birds are singing sweetly in the branches and dew glistens like tiny gems sprinkled over the grass. I have a sudden urge to get up and run like a mad man across the green, arms outspread like a plane. Unfortunately my limbs aren’t playing ball. It takes a lot of effort just to reach up and rub my sore temples in reconciliation for drinking too much last night.

Because I’m so hung-over, it takes some time for me to realise that there is something very small and white hopping and bounding up the path towards me. I blink several times, desperately trying to lubricate my dry eyes. I squeeze them shut and rub them hard for a few seconds.

My eyelids flash open and focus in a white rabbit with large worrisome eyes, lilywhite fur and a herringbone waistcoat with gold buttons. Strangest of all the rabbit is muttering to himself and staring intently at an iPod adorned with hearts.

‘I’m terribly, terribly late! Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. The Queen will be most displeased with me...’

The poor thing suddenly realises I’m sat there, watching on in total disbelief (I’m never drinking Vermouth again). He lets out a high pitched squeal, drops the iPod and disappears down a hole hidden at the bottom of a large tree.

‘Silly rabbit,' I mutter as I reach over to pick up the iPod and earphones. My stomach lurches and I topple back onto the wooden bench. The screen on the iPod lights up and I place the earphones in my ears (I hope I don’t get ticks). I close my eyes, taking in the glory of the Spring sun and listen on...

Alice’s Theme by Danny Elfman
Danny Elfman is responsible for some of the most beautiful and haunting scores in Hollywood having written music for Edward Scissorhands, Beetlejuice and Batman. This track from the new Alice In Wonderland movie is a return to form for the long time Tim Burton collaborator, having produced rather half hearted scores in recent years. A stirring mix of female choral harmonies, whirlwind strings and bold brass beckons the listener to ask the question ‘Alice dear, where have you been?’

The Walking Dead by Weird Tapes
Nowhere near as gothic as the title suggests, The Walking Dead is a sprightly electro track in a similar vein to Crystal Castles. Perfect for strutting along garden paths or sipping on lemonade whilst watching Skins on Channel 4 OD. Listen at http://www.last.fm/music/Weird+Tapes/_/12+The+Walking+Dead

Frost Satellite by Radiant Dragon
Just what the doctor ordered. I would heartily recommend listening to this track whilst collapsing in a field full of hay and watching the clouds roll by. Oh, you live in the city? Ok, try spread eagling on your bed instead whilst soaking up the dreamy vocals of London based Ming Long. Follow him at http://radiantdragon.blogspot.com/

Postcards From Italy by Florence and the Machine
Never heard of this artist. Don’t think she’ll amount to much. It’s the B side to her 2008 single, Kiss With A Fist and it’s a cover. Anyway give this rare track a listen to...but only out of moral support mind. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2p5l6tRzpD8

Rocket (Richard X One Zero Remix) by Goldfrapp
Richard X bloody loves the eighties, so it’s no wonder he’s remixed the nostalgic sounds of Goldfrapp’s new single Rocket. The new album Head First is out on March 22nd but you can download this remix for free at www.amazon.co.uk/Rocket-Richard-One-Zero-Remix.

One by Yeasayer
The sonic and hipper cousin to Paul Simon’s 1986 hit ‘You Can Call Me Al’, Yeasayer have delivered the first party track of the season. Makes me want to get Chevy Chase round to blow on my trumpet....um scrap that last line. Watch the classic Paul Simon music video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULjCSK0oOlI

Cranberry by The Ruby Suns
The Ruby Suns are a New Zealand group that toured with The Shins throughout Australia in 2007 (there’s an interesting fact to drop at the dinner table this evening). This psychedelic slice of indie pop sits well with the current wave of MGMT sounding bands. Listen at http://www.myspace.com/therubysuns

No Hassle by Robyn and Diplo
The Swedish songstress with the most...ess(!) has collaborated with dub step guru Diplo and has given us No Hassle, a swaggering street wise pop gem. Download at http://kickinthepeanuts.com/?p=7135

Tightrope (ft Big Boi) by Janelle Monae
If you’re missing the heady funk of Outkast then this is the perfect song for you. 25 year old Janelle has the star power of Beyonce and the dance moves of James Brown. This will have you dancing like Tina after downing a pitcher of Red Bull. Check her out at http://www.jmonae.com/

Hereafter

I always thought it would be better, to be a fake somebody... than a real nobody.
Tom Ripley, The Talented Mr Ripley, 2000.

I saw Clint Eastwood talking to a pigeon today.

That’s a hard line to follow or to justify, but it’s the truth. I saw the 79 year old Hollywood icon lean over and beckon seductively to a little grey pigeon and whisper in his gravelly voice, ‘Hey little bird.’ And to top it off Matt Damon is standing next to him staring adoringly at the scenario.

What the f.....!

This is probably the most surreal moment of my time so far in London, but it isn’t the only strange thing to happen to me this crisp Saturday on Liverpool Street. The day has been filled with unusual experiences and eccentric conversations on the set of Eastwood’s new movie, Hereafter. I sat on the coach to location with Tony from Skins (well his double anyway) who can blow bubbles from his mouth without the aid of swallowing Fairy liquid, befriended a biker with a broken knee who also has his own drag act and has had cosmetic surgery for channel four, talked about anti gravity, the Freemasons, government conspiracies and interstellar maps whilst filming a scene with Matt Damon and been approached by a well dressed inventor who ‘knows my face from somewhere.’ Ricky Gervais would have a field day with this material.

Working as an extra on a Hollywood movie, you meet a diverse and bizarre mix of characters with their own stories to tell and perform. And characters they are. It’s sometimes hard to tell what is fiction and what isn’t, in front of and behind the camera.

I wouldn’t normally consider a 79 year old talking to a bird to be strange...but it’s Clint Eastwood! A celluloid deity worshipped and adored by millions across the globe acting like a regular human being.

I won’t get into theories of celebrity worship but it’s fascinating to watch a Hollywood actor behaving more normally than the supposedly regular people playing the background roles.

I, on the other hand, played it cool all day. I listened and acted professionally when directed by the 2nd Assistant Director and even managed to contain my toothy grin when Matt Damon acknowledged me. But then Kathleen Kennedy showed up and ate a Panini in front of me...

For those who are unaware who Kathleen Kennedy is she’s the equivalent to God or Cleopatra (the Egyptian Queen not the nineties pop band) in Hollywood. She’s produced almost all of Steven Spielberg’s work and been responsible for some of the biggest and most cherished movies of the past 28 years (she was executive producer on The Goonies for Christ sakes!). Just check out her IMDB profile for evidence of her influence and Hollywood accolades.

I really felt quiet emotional standing just a few feet away from her as she sat at her seat, a sundried tomato hanging from her lips. I had a sudden urge to tell her how her movies had changed my life. How I had gone to the cinema ten times to watch Jurassic Park as a child, or how I’d decided to become a meteorologist at thirteen thanks to Twister or been moved to tears, in front of my eighteen year old mates, at A.I. Artificial Intelligence. But how do you articulate your admiration without looking like an utter weirdo or obsessed geek? I couldn’t frankly, because that’s what I am, a worshipping film fanatic in a surreal wonderland of cameras and lights. Instead I continued to gaze with unrequited admiration and let her finish her snack and mosey on over to Clint.

As filming wrapped for the day and I made my way back to the coach, a frenzy erupted as fans descended in a desperate attempt to see their icons. I caught a glimpse of the paraphernalia they had brought with them to get signed and couldn’t help but marvel at the perverse devotion we have as a society for movies and film celebrities. As I watched a mother thrust a picture of Clint Eastwood in The Good, the Bad and the Ugly towards security, I was thankful that I’d had the chance to glimpse a little of the man behind the movies. The real somebody.